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Automotive Jokes

'Clean-up in aisle 5 - Monday, June 22, 2009

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

Over the PA system: 'Clean-up in aisle 5 ... we have a husband down.'

A Boston Police Officer and the "AH" - Sunday, May 03, 2009

A Boston Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! Therefore, the officer calmly

tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning
the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying a word.

When he completes the writing of the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative

portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy--points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The Boston Police Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!"

Two months later, they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is
about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.On the stand, the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, Same number at the top.

ATTORNEY: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

ATTORNEY: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir .."

ATTORNEY: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir

ATTORNEY: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

The Gynecologist - Sunday, March 25, 2007

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Kentucky Women - Sunday, March 25, 2007

Kentucky:

The owner of a small auto repair shop in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help .

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta' love those Kentucky women.

Tennessee - Sunday, March 25, 2007

Tennessee :

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina - Sunday, March 25, 2007

A man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

Mississippi - Sunday, March 25, 2007

And Ma Personal Favrit . . .

Mississippi :

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

The miracle of Toilet Paper - Sunday, March 25, 2007 - Sunday, March 25, 2007

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Hello

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.
This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

**After a brief pause,**

Daddy says, "But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy Right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later...
The little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window - and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

*****Long Pause*****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?"
Is this 486-5731?"

No, I think you have the wrong number.......

States

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO..

Alabama

Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska

11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona

Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas

Lituracy Ain't Everythang.

California

By 30, Our Women Have More

Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado

If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut

Like Massachusetts, only smaller

Delaware

We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida

Ask Us About Our Grandkids

And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia

We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii

Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru

(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho

More Than Just Potatoes...

Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois

Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana

2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa

We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas

First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky

Five Million People;

Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana

We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine

We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland

If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts

Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan

First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota

10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi

Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri

Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana

Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing

Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska

Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada

Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire

Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey

You Want A ##$%##! Motto?

I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico

Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York

You Have The Right To Remain Silent,

You Have The Right To An Attorney...

And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina

Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota

We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio

At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma

Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon

Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania

Cook With Coal

Rhode Island

We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina

Remember The Civil War?

Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota

Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee

Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas

Se Hable Ingles

Utah

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont

Too liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia

Who Says Government Stiffs And

Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington

Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia

One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin

Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming

Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Home of BrokebackMtn.

The District of Columbia

The Work-Free Drug Place




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